Signs of the Mind

Learning from our past is the key to not making the same mistakes over and over again. I’ve learned that I’m a horrible mind reader, and need help from my wife in giving me information of what she needs from me. However, I’ve also learned, that she, as we all do, has patterns that help her cope with life and all of its stressors. I’ve also learned that it is good for me to be attentive to these patterns and to utilize what I have learned to benefit her and me, as well as our relationship with each other.

For example, I used to get upset with my wife when she would go on an unannounced cleaning binge that seemed to have no stopping point or seemed to be at an inopportune time. I used to get frustrated with these times of intrusive spurts of deep cleaning that she deemed necessary for the sake of our family’s health and wellbeing. I, on the other hand, had plans to get some of my own to-do’s done that day and often felt that, just because she was in the mood for a good house cleaning, it didn’t justify me having to drop all my desires for accomplishing certain tasks or maybe even a day of recreation.

Yet, I’ve come to realize that my wife’s ‘fixation’ with cleaning the house is never a tyrannical way of getting me and the kids back for something we did or didn’t do. Rather, it is often her way of dealing with stress and a situation that, in her mind, is out of control. I’ve learned that she not only uses cleaning as a way of keeping things looking nice and keeping our home a healthy and nice place to live, but also as a method of distressing by regaining control over something she can actually effect.

So, learning this fact, has helped me to see that, all of us have coping mechanisms that we use to deal with life. As a helpmate to my wife, it is best for me to learn what her ‘mechanisms’ are and to be willing to work with them as needed. If they become unhealthy, it will require us to address the together. But, if not, then tapping into these patterns in moments of emotional struggles, can be a great way to bond and to help each other distress.

ACTION STEP: This week, learn some of your spouse’s coping mechanisms to the stresses of life, and learn ways to be a helpmate to them when these coping skills arise.