I Don’t Want to Hear It!

(Sirach 11:7-8) – “Before investigating, find no fault; examine first, then criticize. Before hearing, answer not, and interrupt no one in the middle of his speech.”

One of the biggest turn-offs in trying to communicate with another person is when they talk over us or start to respond and give a rebuttal before we have even finished our thoughts regarding an issue. This happens most regularly between married couples and is often a huge reason why marital communication breaks down. This behavior tells our spouse, without ever saying it, that ‘I don’t want to hear what you have to say, and I don’t agree!’ If we don’t listen, we won’t understand. If we don’t understand, how can we ever deal with the real issue at hand.

Too many people hear only enough to start formulating a defense, which in turn puts the whole conversation on a defensive path. Sometimes we hear only enough to override our spouse’s observations with our own views of the situation, and again we start a battle between two perceptions. Denying or disagreeing with someone’s perception is often a recipe for disaster if we are not willing to first understand it.

However, productive communication demands respect for each person in allowing them to explain their ‘perception of things’ and for the listener to seek to truly understand their point of view before presenting a counter perception. I know this sounds a little technical, but all this is suggesting is that it is more destructive to argue when you don’t fully understand than it is to gather all the information before responding, disagreeing, or criticizing. We all have our own perspective about things and understanding their side of things, before we get our ‘dander up,’ will often help us to reduce sending our spouse the wrong message.

ACTION STEP: This week, stop yourself from interrupting your spouse during discussions and seek to first understand their point of view.