Are We Willing to Say the Hard Things?
Too often in therapy, I see the devastating results of couples who were afraid to, and eventually unwilling to, say the hard things that needed to be said to their spouse. Personally, I have experienced the angst that comes with trying to tell my spouse something that I struggled with, whether it was about an action or about a perception of a particular situation. I also know that it can be hard when your loved one is upset by or even saddened by the information that is being shared. As a result, spouses who don’t work through the hard topics together, often just bury the issues and allow resentment to build.
I saw a couple, years ago in therapy, that had created a huge emotional divide in their relationship because of so many unresolved issues, many of which were never realized because the other spouse never revealed their struggles and chose to “let go of the problem” instead. The husband told me that he just didn’t see the issues, in the moment, as something he wanted to “upset the apple cart” with and instead, in his words, “just tossed them behind me and went on with life.” However, he finally admitted that his resentment towards his wife built up so much, that after years of this neglect, he now was experiencing contempt for her. He said he “finally looked behind me and realized the ‘shit bucket’ I had been dragging around for too many years, and was done dragging it.”
The longer we refuse to acknowledge and deal with the pebble in our shoe, the bigger the wound it creates, until it gets so bad that we can’t stand it anymore. As hard as it may be in the moment, the sooner we deal with any issue in our marriage the better. It may take some amount of time to resolve, but I can attest to the fact that it is easier than sifting through years of inattention. It’s also important that when we are approached by our spouse with a concern, that we don’t quickly create an antagonistic or argumentative response. This only creates more angst for our spouse and often elicits a similar aggressive response, or a withdrawal of dealing with the problem and possibly a desire to avoid this situation in the future.
The hard things are always going to be difficult to say. But if done with receptivity, humility, gentleness, respect, and with a spirit of truly wanting to seek resolve rather than just complaining about the other person, it can be a great opportunity for growth. Building up resentment is always a recipe for disaster.
ACTION STEP: This week, when dealing with the hard topics in your marriage, try to approach them with gentleness and respect. When being told hard things about yourself, be humble, listen and seek to understand.