The Book of Sirach and Marriage - 9

(Sirach 18: 14-16) “My son, to your charity add no reproach, nor spoil any gift by harsh words. Like dew that abates a burning wind, so does a word improve a gift. Sometimes the word means more than the gift; both are offered by a kindly man.”

How often do we ruin a perfect moment, by opening our mouth and saying the wrong thing? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that in my own marriage. More than I can count, I have found myself in a blissful moment with my wife, enjoying her company and our conversation, only to force a jovial sarcastic wisecrack, poorly thought through, and receiving that hurt look or response from my spouse. Then in panic, I try to cover my tracks by using the universal emotion-saving, lifeboat response of, “I was just kidding,” only to find that my dinghy was sinking in the ocean of shame.

Over time, I’ve learned that the better response is simply, “I’m sorry dear. That was rather insensitive and dumb of me to say. Please forgive me.” I will still have to take time to bail the water out of my ship, but at least I have a chance at staying afloat and repairing the damage done rather than making the hole even bigger. Too often, when this happens, out of embarrassment, we try to just brush it all under the rug and ‘get back to happy.’ Or, maybe, we find ourselves getting defensive and engaging in an awkward argument of trying to justify a poor decision.

So what can we learn from this, especially when it comes to our marriage? Here’s my advice.

1.      Think before you speak! Don’t let emotions get the best of you.

2.      Admit when you make a dumb decision and don’t try to justify it. Also, apologize quickly.

3.      When something does need addressed, find a good time to address it. And remember, be kind and slow to criticize. If you have to correct someone, be gentle but be direct. Don’t do it jokingly!

4.      Keep sarcasm to a minimum, if at all. It often leads people to think there are ulterior motives behind your words and can lead to discord versus a joyous, laughable moment.

5.      Profanity often complicates a discussion, or if it is done with emotion, can shut down good communication. Look to eliminate it from your vocabulary if possible.

6.      Always seek to say words that build each other up.

ACTION STEP: This week, implement one or all of these suggestions into your relationship.