The Book of Sirach and Marriage - 10

(Sirach 21: 25-26) “The lips of the arrogant talk of what is not their concern, but the discreet carefully weigh their words. The mind of fools is in their mouths, but the mouth of the wise is in their mind.”

I love this passage. It’s very complex it its meaning, but also has some very practical applications for couples. One of the areas I talk about to couples in the classes I teach, is the importance of knowing your own personality type as well as that of your spouse. God gave each of us our specific personality and it is ours to use for good or for ill. Personality assessments are all very similar, but use different indicators to describe the different personality types. One uses colors, another uses animals, another uses descriptive words, etc. But in the end, they all describe, pretty much the same personality types along with their strengths and weaknesses. The goal in learning them as a couple, is to maximize our strengths together and to minimize our weaknesses.

However, I have found that even traits that some people may deem as a weakness can also be seen as a strength, but I believe it all depends on how it is used. Let’s use the common one: perfectionist. When this trait is focused inward, we can become so obsessed with looking perfect to others and doing things flawlessly that when it doesn’t go the way we want, this can cause stress in our relationship with others. It is often rooted in our pride to look good and to not have anyone think ‘ill of us.’ But, when it is focused outward, let’s say in the medical practice of our brain surgeon, who’s focus is to help the wellbeing of their patients, it becomes a trait that is greatly desirable and sought after when needing their services.

So, now back to the passage above. Not to pick on extroverts (especially since I am one), but the words of Sirach make me think of this personality type. I often find myself wanting to process my thoughts out loud and I have caused problems in my marriage because of it. I have had to learn the hard way how important it is to weigh my words and think before I speak. I’ve even counseled couples, who can’t control their words in a heated discussion, to take a ‘time out’ and to write out their thoughts in a journal first. Then I instruct them to finish by listing two or three main things they need to convey to their spouse, before coming back together to work things out. Our lips can either be used to build up, or to tear down.

ACTION STEP: This week, think before you speak!