The Book of Proverbs and Marriage - 7

 (Proverbs 15:4) “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse one breaks the spirit.”

Be careful of expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointments, which lead to frustrations and anger. Then, if we’re not careful, all of this leads to harsh exchanges of words. When conversations become heated and angry, it can lead to many a bad thing in a relationship, one of which is a breaking of another person’s spirit.

This is not to say that we can’t feel disappointed or frustrated at times, but it is a caution to couples to not allow those emotions to cause us to damage our marital relationship with harsh words. Having a soothing tongue in times like these does not mean that we have to just ‘grin and bear it’ while we ‘stuff down’ our anger. But rather, it is an encouragement to use language and tone that is inviting rather than deterring.  

So many people that come to me in therapy are often discouraged and broken in their marriage not because they had disagreements, but rather because their disagreements did not lead to a civil discussion, but rather a battle of disparaging words and angry tones. All of them just wanted to be heard and understood. Don’t we all. But, instead, they allowed their pride to get the best of them and they only heard enough to build a defense.

If you can’t help but be upset when entering into a particular discussion, then STOP! Stop talking, take a time-out, walk away, and pray for patience and an understanding heart. Stop focusing only what you want to say, and focus on what it is you don’t understand…your spouse’s perception. Be gentle. Be kind. Seek to know and seek to understand needs. And lastly, ask yourself, is winning this argument really worth more to me then the wellbeing of my marriage?

ACTION STEP: This week, take note of situations or issues that cause you to react or say things that are harsh. Seek God’s grace to approach them with prayer and patience.