The Book of Proverbs and Marriage - 1

(Proverbs 15:4) “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse one breaks the spirit.”

I now turn the focus of my marriage tips to do a series on the Book of Proverbs. It’s chalk full of good practical advice for relationships, especially for those who are married. The Proverb above is one of many Bible verses that addresses the power of our words with one another. Too often in therapy, I see the damaging results of angry, foul, and demeaning words said between spouses in the midst of times of high emotions. In contrast, when couples are calm, speaking gently, and actively listening, conversations often lead to marital healing.    

Most of the battles stem from a lack of listening and understanding each other’s perception. Too often we allow ourselves, out of pride and fear, to go into ‘defensive mode’ which results in arguments and frustrating exchanges. We don’t trust the intentions of our spouse or we fear the ramifications of their critiques. Then if we allow the conversations to devolve into snarky or mean spirited attacks where wounds become deeper and mudslinging of the past become a tactic of trying to gain the proverbial high ground. The original problem, of which we usually haven’t gotten to the root of, is now lost in the chaos.

My wife recently told an audience of couples, that in the midst of our own marital struggles, many years ago, that she wasn’t sure why we had stopped thinking the best of each other. We have always wanted the best for each other, we just lost sight of this truth in the midst of our angry exchanges. Then, before we knew it, we bought the “she/he doesn’t care” lie and started reacting toward each other out of this belief. When couples get to this point, they actually start treating each other with contempt and attitudes that confirm the belief in the lie. But even at this point, both usually will still admit to me, in a therapy session, that they truly still want the best for each other, but lost hope that the other felt the same way.

Marriage is a blessing from God and Satan tries to tear at its fabric every day. We have to fight back, but out of the antithesis of pride – gentleness, patience, understanding, and humility. We need to stop this cycle of division and destruction.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek to stop high emotional exchanges by taking a break, then coming back together to humbly listen and seek understanding.