Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a very difficult thing for many people because we often equate it to forgetting what our spouse did or somehow letting them off the hook. This can be very hard especially when the offenses are bigger than usual or outright belligerent and mean-spirited. Yet forgiveness is what Christ continues to call us back to and is what many of the Saints throughout history also displayed. They understood that a hardened heart or a wounded heart does not get softer or find healing by “firing” anger and contempt back at it. We often retort with this behavior in our marriage, hoping that if we hurt our spouse in return, maybe he or she will get my point or understand my hurt and, hopefully, change his or her ways. Often this behavior leads to more division, hardening, or wounding of the relationship.
When our spouse apologizes for his or her behavior, we need to not only seek to forgive but to work with them towards healing the relationship. We do this by addressing the issues and BOTH spouses exploring how to make this happen. This is not just about how to conquer pride in our marriage, but also about rebuilding connection at all cost! Pride usually dictates to us the same old script: “They got themselves into this mess; they need to get themselves out!” But is this what love calls us to? Is this what Christ wants of us? It does not negate the fact that when a person messes up or falls off the right path, that they need to take ownership and walk the path back to where they need to be. But is it important that they do it alone? Isn’t this just another form of vengeance – to get back at them, teach them a lesson, etc.?
I find it interesting in Scripture that Jesus not only forgave his persecutors, but He sought out those who not only hurt Him but had sorrow about their actions. He knew that pride or shame or confusion could cause His “bride” to stumble again and so He sought them out in the upper room, on the road to Emmaus, from the shore while they were out in the boat, etc. He knew that sinfulness blinds us, at times, in finding our way back to His loving heart. So He sought them out of love. Are we not also to do the same? When we mess up and apologize for our mistakes, it can sometimes be a very humiliating or humbling experience.
ACTION STEP: This week, find ways to walk the road of healing with your spouse, versus making them walk the rough road back to you by themselves.