Make That Change
As a friend of mine used to say to me all the time: “Do what you’ve always done, and you’ll get what you’ve always got.” Simple, yet so true. How can we ever hope to rebuild broken trust in our relationship, which is extremely vital for our love to grow and for us to stay connected, if we keep doing the same old destructive patterns? We need to make a choice to change, for our good and the good of our marriage. We need to stop putting Band-Aids on our problems (they come off when you sweat anyway), and instead work hard at stopping the destructive patterns. Trust is not something we can demand to have back from our spouse. It takes time and demanding trust only frustrates things more. We also can’t just expect our spouse to “let go of the past and move on.” Why? Because without changes in behavior, there is continuing fear that the behavior is going to keep happening long into the future.
Trust can only be earned back little by little with every attempt we make to keep the lines of communication flowing and with the changes we consciously make to improve our relationship and to change our unhelpful patterns. Sometimes the more ingrained these patterns are, the more time it will take to not only change them but to prove to our spouse that we are serious and dedicated to this cause.
There are five fundamentals for change to truly happen, and I use the acronym S.H.I.F.T. to spell out each step:
1) See the problem as a problem! We need to see each issue as important, and we need to see our individual role in the problem and be willing to accept responsibility.
2) Have a desire to change and make things better. We need to want to change it and want to seek to make things better out of love for our spouse.
3) Information on what needs to change. We need to get new information about what kind of changes will be helpful to our spouse and to the marriage.
4) Faith in God and His Grace to help us!
5) Time to build a new pattern.
ACTION STEP: This week, explore areas of your relationship where trust is lacking between you and your spouse and seek to find ways to change your patterns in order to regain trust.