Guessing Game
Want to be a big loser? Try playing the guessing game with your spouse when it comes to something important. Personally, I know this all too well…I’ve tried….and I’ve lost. Why? Because being on a team calls for good communication, not mind reading. Too often, though, we approach our marital communication this way. How many times have we heard this: “If you really cared about me, you would know what I need from you right now.” OR “I keep asking what’s wrong and all you say is ‘nothing.’ OR “How was work today?” “Fine…(then crickets).”
As a couple, we are called to be each other’s helpmate. In order to do that, we need to know how the other person is doing, what struggles they have, and what their needs are. When we choose to be skimpy with our words, even if our reason is not wanting to “burden” our spouse with our struggles, we leave out key information that could help our spouse understand our mood, our needs, and how they can help. This behavior produces what I call the Fill-in-the-Blank Syndrome. This is where, without sufficient information, our spouse is left to “fill in the blanks” about what’s going on with us, ultimately creating their own perception based off of our non-verbal communication. If left unchecked or without clarification, this skewed perception becomes their real opinion of us. “He must be mad at something I’ve done.” “She doesn’t care about how I’m feeling.”
When we refuse to share our thoughts and struggles, productive communication breaks down. Division increases as each person withdraws further into their own head and allows their unspoken perceptions to deepen the disconnect. My suggestion: SPEAK! Say what’s on your mind. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or in-depth, but it must help your spouse to gain some level of accurate understanding. Even if you are upset with your spouse, let him/her know that you are angry and then ask for time to cool down, pray, and gather your thoughts. Make time to revisit the conversation later. The more we reduce the Fill-in-the-Blank Syndrome, the better off we will be.
ACTION STEP: When you feel like clamming up today or this week, ask God to give you the grace to share your heart with your spouse.