Thoughtful Speaking

Coming out of years of putting my foot in my mouth in conversations with my wife, I have developed a saying in response to my wife’s frustration, “Listen to what I mean, not what I say.” The first time I used that, my wife was not too happy, and it led to a long discussion. Now that our relationship is much more in sync with each other and we have worked at a better communication style, I use this phrase only to joke around and to get her to laugh when I actually say something without thinking it through and know it was not well received. Then I try again.

What I’ve learned through many mistakes in my marriage is that we need to develop patience and gentleness in our ‘more lively’ discussions. Numerous couples, that I have counseled over the years, have expressed regret over many things that were said in their marital spats and readily admit that it was due to being caught up in the emotion. These thoughtless responses, accusations, and sometimes foul words, mixed with an angry tone, only become memories that spouses find harder to forgive than the original offending actions.

So, my recommendation, first and foremost, is to take a time out when conversations get heated. Calm down and pray for patience, gentleness, and a spirit of understanding. Then when you go back (hopefully not days later) to discuss the issue further, take time to truly hear what is being said and to try to understand your spouse’s intent or meaning behind their words. Take time to think through your responses, and at all cost, say things with gentleness and a desire to build up and not tear down.

ACTION STEP: This week, work at patience, gentleness and a spirit of understanding whenever possible.