Selfishness
“Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” – St. Pope John Paul 2, From his book “Love and Responsibility.”
My colleague and I were recently reflecting on the topic of selfishness in regard to one of the main issues we were seeing in most counseling couples. So many spouses often find themselves in a ‘bad state’ in their marriage when one or both become more self-focused rather than other focused. The sad part is that when we thought about how much this has also played out, in big and subtle ways, in our own marriages over the years. When we boiled it all down, at the root, selfishness comes when we don’t trust God nor our loved ones to truly meet our ‘needs’ and we seek to meet them through our misguided ‘desires’ and ‘wants.’
We seek to love and be loved, yet when we don’t truly believe in God’s love for us or our spouse’s love for us, due to struggles, arguments, and hardships, we may find ourselves seeking for it in other unhealthy relationships. We long for peace and joy, but when we can’t see it in our marriage or when the world’s troubles make us doubt God’s presence in our lives, we can often turn to using possessions, risky experiences, alcohol, drugs, money, etc. to try to make us happy or to fill the void. Yet each one of these substitutes often comes with a price or a destructive effect, and never truly satisfies our hunger. We may even utilize lies to cover up our search for and acquisition of these things, due to our spouse’s opposition to them, and often risk damaging our marital relationship even further. The further we divide in marriage, the deeper the selfishness often grows.
The answer: seeking to know and trust in God more and seeking to become more Eucharistic in our marriage. It’s not easy, but these are the first steps. First, we must develop a trust in God that He will meet all of our needs if we remain faithful to Him. Second, if spouses are both being Eucharistic in marriage and working hard at ‘feeding’ each other’s needs, there is often a fulfillment and satisfaction that accompanies these actions. Spouses, if feeling really cared for and secure in their marriage will often encourage each other in things that they want to do that are healthy, productive, and stress reducing (i.e. hobbies, retreats, dad and mom nights out, gardening, woodworking, etc.). Will this totally eliminate selfishness? No, because we live in a broken world. Will it reduce the amount of selfishness? Well, why don’t you all help me test it out.
ACTION STEP: This week, look for ways to understand your spouse’s daily needs and work to help them get their needs met.