Prayer of St. Francis - Verse 9
“To be understood, as to understand;”
This week we focus on the 9th verse of the St. Francis Prayer, where we continue our efforts of being an instrument in the hands of God. Too often in emotionally charged arguments with our spouse, we can become so heavily focused on the message we are trying to convey, that we stop really listening to them when we hear things with which we disagree. Then, instead of truly listening and understanding, we come up with more ways to defend our point of view. Most people, who end up in this type of exchange, often become more and more frustrated with not feeling heard nor understood, and the anger displayed and the hurtful things being said, can get out of control.
We all want to be heard and understood, but we can frequently get lost in a battle of different perceptions. And discounting or disagreeing with each other’s perception is often a practice in futility. Why, because their perception, right or wrong, has become their reality and is there for a reason. Discounting it, without fully understanding it will not build a connection nor help you find resolve. Only through understanding why they have the view that they have, and working through the specific of what caused it to be developed, can we hope to reconnect, find healing, and be able to move forward successfully. Agreeing to disagree, in my opinion, is just a way to ignore it for a while until it rears its head again.
It is a true act of love and mercy to seek to understand your spouse just as much as you would like the same gift. It has to start somewhere and why not with me. I only have control over myself. So, do we ask for God’s grace, in every deep discussion we have with our spouse, to be gentle, to be patient, to be kind, and most importantly to seek true understanding of what is going on in their heart. After a fight, many couples have stated to me in session, that the next day when both of them were calm, they actually had a good and productive discussion about the previous night’s issue. Imagine how much hurt and damage couples could prevent if we stopped the fighting, took a break, prayed for Grace, and then both sought to listen and understand the first time.
ACTION STEP: This week, seek more to calm down when discussions with your spouse get heated, ask for grace, and then seek to truly understand the heart of your beloved.