Prayer of St. Francis - Verse 5

“Where there is despair, hope;” 

This week we focus on the 5th verse of the St. Francis Prayer, where we continue our efforts of being an instrument in the hands of God. One of the best things I can do for a married couple, that sees me in therapy, is to help them find hope that their marriage can get better. Because of the deep connection that comes with marriage, through vowing our life, sharing our innermost feelings, and building a family together, when the marital relationship rapidly breaks down with, what appears to be, no resolution, it can be utterly devastating. When interactions spiral out of control and we can’t seem to put our finger on how it all went wrong, let alone how to get off this destructive ‘mouse wheel’ of arguing and frustration, we quickly move to despair.

But what we are asking for in this prayer, is the grace of God to help us with finding hope through the despair. This is where we first need the grace to stop the mouse wheel of arguing, and humbly listen to the heart of our beloved. Arguing about seemingly everything, shuts off our ability to hear and understand, and fuels a frustration that feeds upon itself. Like an itch you just can stop scratching because the more you do it, what seems to be helping, only makes it worse.

Then we need the grace to remind ourselves, that our spouse is NOT our enemy. It can seem this way at times when arguments are prolonged and mean and hurtful words start to be said out of resentment. Instead, we need to understand that 9 times out of 10, it’s not our intent that is out of whack, but rather our method of truly listening and understanding. Finally, we need to remind ourselves of the gift that our spouse is despite their flaws and struggles. We all have them. But together the goal is to learn from them and change, for the good of our marriage and family.

We need to stop defining our relationship by all of our mistakes we make and stop the cycle of blame. Despair comes when we look at all the past problem that we can’t change and get lost in them. Hope comes with the grace to learn from our mistakes together and to have the courage and fortitude to change these patterns starting today and from this day forward.

ACTION STEP: This week, where there is despair in your relationship, stop focusing on the past and find the hope through changing the patterns that don’t work as you move forward.