Parenting Plan

One area that causes a lot of grief between couples is parenting difficult children. Let’s face it though, raising any child has its difficulties whether or not they have challenging personalities, cranky moments, or special needs. These unique characteristics, however, inevitably add to the complexity, time, energy, patience, and resources needed to address these children’s specific needs. Either way, the struggles we face as a couple in raising children often will cause strain and division in our relationship if we have different parenting styles or expectations.

When I address this problem with struggling couples, I often ask them if they have a plan for raising their children, to which many people look at me a little bewildered. I have learned over the many years of raising seven children, who all have very different personalities, needs, and quirks, that if my wife and I are not on the same page with each other in dealing with each child’s particular needs or challenging behaviors, we will find ourselves at odds with each other. This disconnect often manifests as arguments in front of the kids, undermining statements of our spouse’s choice of discipline, or confusing messages given to the child.

When couples are not in the thick of parenting tense situations is the best moment for them to come up with a plan. This is the time to discuss agreed up consequences that may be utilized for each specific child. It is important to decide the ways in which we plan to support each other through discussing disagreements about parenting out of earshot of our children, through demanding respect of our children for our spouse and actively defending them when our kids display disrespect, and through creating ways to reduce how our children try to pit our decisions against our spouse’s decisions. It is also important to help each other in keeping our emotions from getting the best of us through mutual support, so that we can effectively discipline through calm yet assertive means.

Parenting is not for sissies, and it takes an intentional and unified effort in order to be successful and beneficial to all involved. As the saying goes: “If you fail to plan, then plan to fail.”         

ACTION STEP: This week, take time to work with your spouse on a parenting plan.

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