Guarding Our Tongue

Ephesians 4:29 – “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.”

The bible talks about the tongue being a powerful tool, that can be used for building up those around us or utterly destroying them. In providing therapy to so many married couples, I have experienced hearing about two people, who are supposed to love each other and to be each other’s helpmate, saying and doing things to each other that are horribly mean and nasty. Most of the time, couples say vicious things to each other in the midst of high frustration and emotional arguments. Thus, as a therapist, I always instruct couples to never continue a heated dialogue, but rather to take a “time-out” to cool down and pray.

I find that many couples struggle with communication when spouses get into a yelling match.  Sometimes, damaging in another way, the opposite happens where, instead of arguing, one or both spouses shut down, stop talking, and close in on themselves. Both are a recipe for frustration, resentment, and hopelessness. Both of these situations come out of a lack of one or both individual not feeling heard. The more the emotions arise in the exchange, the more chances there are of spouse’s saying things to each other that are very hurtful and damaging. Or, the more silence and avoidance that occurs, the more our minds think unhealthy, hurtful, and even resentful thoughts. Neither help strengthen a relationship.

It is very important that we don’t allow high emotions to direct our discussions. We need to use our words in ways that are more inviting and gentle as we work through issues together. We need to show patience and determination in our desire to understand one another and work to think the best of one another. Guarding our tongue sometimes mean that we spend more time listening than talking. It also calls for us to use words to heal, not attack and punish. Remember, God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.   

ACTION STEP: This week, avoid highly charged disagreements and seek to be more gentle with your words to your spouse.