Don’t Go Changing

One of the hardest parts about life for most of us is ‘change.’ Just when we get established with one way of dealing with life, something big happens and it throws our comfortable, or at least well-known, pattern into a tizzy. A baby is conceived or born, a new health issue arises, a new behavior is displayed by our child, several appliances die at once, an in-law moves into our home, and so on. These changes have the potential to cause stress and frustration. They have the potential to cause disagreements. They also can cause us grief about the loss of one way of life and the anxiety about the new ‘normal.’

While these changes can create a division in our marital relationship, it doesn’t have to be so. We often allow them to divide us when we aren’t spending time connecting with each other and coming up with a unified plan. We often divide and conquer without having regular and healthy communication in order to process the changes. We dig into our own way of dealing with the situation as the ‘right’ and ‘only way’ of best dealing with it. We sometimes deal with it on our own and in our own way, and undermine our spouse’s way of coping or dealing with it because we disagree. Without any type of unified effort, we slowly become disengaged with each other, frustrated and resentful.

Don’t let this be you! Instead, make time as a couple to sit down and process the situation. Communicate your perception about the situation and seek to truly understand your spouse’s point of view. Work together to come up with a way to deal with the situation by gathering more information, asking other’s how they have dealt with similar issues, and come up with a unified ‘plan of attack.’ If you just can’t agree or there is too much emotion involved, maybe consider seeking a trusted and agreed upon third party that can help you look at it objectively.

Also, remember that with some changes in life, some of us, need to grieve the loss of ‘what was’ as we are dealing with the ‘what is.’ Be patient and compassionate, not overbearing and controlling. It will only make things worse. When you have a plan, don’t undermine it and as a team, evaluate it ongoing and make changes as needed. Like it or not, change is a part of life. It can either make us better together or bitter together.  

ACTION STEP: This week, spend time talking with your spouse about any big or small changes you have in life right now, and look at coming up with a unified plan for dealing with it more successfully.