Consistent and Compatible
As a parent of seven children, I have come to believe that every child’s mission in life is to figure out how to pull one over on their parents so that they can get what they want. Maybe, I am overstating this, but this is what it feels like on many days. Children will beg and plead until you feel as though you will explode, which is what we do sometimes, or we give in to get them off our back. However, I’ve learned that it is not just about them just trying to get what they want, but it is also their way of discovering established boundaries and testing them to see if they are flexible, breakable, or unmovable. The family is a safe place for our children to learn how to deal with rules and boundaries because out in the world, they will be up against a lot more of them that have bigger consequences. If we do not guide them well in this arena, they will have a ‘tough go of it’ out there. So, it is important as parents that we work as a team and make sure that we are consistent in our plan of action, discipline, and follow-through.
Kids need consistency. So, it becomes important for you and your spouse to decide, early on, the boundaries you want for your family, what to do if the boundaries need some tweaking, and how you plan to deal with the “back-door” approach (i.e., If Mom says no, then I’ll just go ask Dad). If you and your spouse are not on the same page, your kids will figure out your weakness and work it to their advantage. If they discover boundaries are unmovable, they will be forced to reconsider their options or let the issue go. Many parents struggle with this at times, because they don’t like it when their kids are angry with them. But remember, your job is not to always be liked, but to love them by keeping them safe and to giving them healthy life tools. Also remember, it is okay to say ‘NO’ to your kids.
It is also important to recognize that sometimes a boundary needs to change due to our children’s changing needs OR because we see that what we intended is not what we are getting. It is important to regularly re-evaluate our family guidelines and rules, always making sure not to undermine our spouse and not to make changes based on unhealthy outside pressure. The critical thing is that spouses work together, seek to be properly informed, keep their mission in mind, and with guidance, as needed, set and shape family boundaries. Consistency is the key!
ACTION STEP: This week, sit down with your spouse and evaluate your unified consistency in parenting, or lack thereof. Seek ways to unify in this area.